This week I'm getting braces--something every forty-something woman looks forward to like, I dunno, mammograms. It shouldn't be too bad, though, as they're clear (here's a shout-out: Thanks Invisalign!) I have eight sets of trays and will wear each set for two weeks, and when I'm done I'll be able to use the final set as custom-made bleaching trays. I'm certain the straightness and whiteness of my resulting smile will no doubt lead to world peace.
I really shouldn't complain, since I had the old-fashioned metal braces, complete with elastics and headgear, when I was a kid, and these new braces are sure to be far less painful. I need another go, however, because a) I threw away my retainers in college, and b) one of the last three car accidents I've been involved in damaged my bite and my teeth started moving, resulting in a gap a lot like Madonna's. (Let me interject--anyone who's ever experienced my driving might jump to the conclusion that these wrecks occurred as a result of my propensity towards speed, but you'd be wrong, so na na poo poo na na.) I wouldn't care so much, except the skin on the inside of my upper lip keeps getting pinched in the gap, which hurts crazy bad and causes me to cuss vehemently.
(Speaking of cussing, my friend Holls recently went to Vegas, where she and her boyfriend caught a Penn and Teller show and met the duo afterwards. Holls told Teller, the short and silent one, that she'd come to Vegas with but one desire: to hear him say aloud the F-word. He obliged her with a gratifyingly long sentence employing said word as a noun, a verb, an adjective, and an adverb enhancing an adjective. Nothing like giving back to the fans.)
Some people have said they like the gap, that it gives my face more character. Uh huh. But according to Chinese face reading, a gap between the two front teeth indicates either a risk taker, a spend thrift, or a person who has trouble making up their mind. This is a rather unsettling and revealing look at my personality, as I happen to be all three. Don't scoff at this stuff--even Shakespeare believed in it, and you don't question Shakespeare: "Your face, my thane, is a book where men may read strange matters." Makes me wonder if glaringly-obvious risk-taker Madge has someone else handling her fortune.
So there's another reason why I need braces--my gap is allowing people to understand my negative personality tendencies far too well, at least people knowledgeable about Chinese Face Reading, and that could be anyone.
2 comments:
Oh babe-a-licious. My older brother went through braces twice. He did the traditional when he was younger, and the invisalign a couple of years ago. Tongue thrust and cross bite threw them out of wack, resulting in braces again.
So all the pain and fun without the metal sores on the inside of your mouth. Good, good times!
I have never noticed the gap BTW. I have always thought your teeth looked splendiferous!
Wow. THAT'S how I remember you. Of course, I was all of seven years old at the time. Love the blog. Love it.
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