Nuts

"He wants his nuts back," she said, exhaling in exasperation.

"Pardon?" Michael is speaking to a family friend who helped Little Richard pack (bless her good-hearted soul forever and ever, Amen.) She has called to vent. That she has done so is surprising. Grounded and calm, this woman knows how to raise a pig, slaughter the pig, and use every single part of the pig to feed her family. She is tough. Unflappable. Not a venter.

"The pecans! He wants me to pack them up and send them BACK to him."

Hmmm, not good. See, in the golden years of their retirement, my parents wintered in Southern Utah. Thin-shelled pecans thrive there, and Little Richard loved to "shake a tree" and gather the fallen nuts. For years he shelled them while watching television or hanging with the feral cats on the porch, and stored them in the freezer. He gave them away in half-pound bags as gifts of thanks and appreciation. If you got a fresh batch (read: less than three years in the freezer), they were delicious. Anyway, while preparing for the move, he realized he had to empty the freezer, and gave a large portion of pecans to this woman, ostensibly as a gesture of gratitude. But things changed: now that he's making new friends in his new town, he has no nuts to give, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum. True to form, he put out a re-call, and I'll betcha an Arby-Q (his favorite) that he didn't give it a second thought.

Nuts.

Since Little Richard returned to Deseret, I've found myself trying to make my peace with him, or at least with my memories, because it's doubtful he and I will ever do the big father/daughter Lifetime Movie reconciliation. But one thing I've accepted completely is that my dad is eccentric, hard to get along with, and difficult to understand. For some of you who know him, that's making a gross understatement and I thank you for your empathy. For others, here are a few examples of how his mind appears to work:

Method of dining out: Wait until everyone else is ready to leave the house. Decide quality time in bathroom is suddenly essential. Take newspaper. Allow cat to sit on lap. Talk to cat. Read paper to cat. When encouraged to hurry, holler out a good-natured "I'M A-COMIN'!" several times in a row. Never appear rushed. Fill hallway with ungodly smell that ruins everyone's appetite. Insist on dining at The Hometown Buffet.

Method of healthy eating: Pick large quantity of plums for mother to dry and bottle. Keep half a dozen or so in pants' pocket at all times to help with digestion and elimination (see previous paragraph.) Allow fruit to mingle freely with keys and spare change. Generously offer to share with others while blowing on fruit to remove pocket lint. Rest assured no one will ever take you up on your offer.

Method of cleaning ears: Wait until at least one family member is present, along with one non-family member. Use car key to get at ear wax. Examine key. Peek at family member(s) out of corner of eye to see if properly mortified. Laugh as though on moonshine bender.

Method of vacationing: Wait until everyone else is packed and in car. Decide to check engine. Search through garage of horrors looking for 1040 oil. Discover old sweater under pile of tires. Reminisce over old sweater and fact it still fits. Exhibit dismay with family's impatience and lack of sweater admiration. Become increasingly annoyed when family exits sweltering car. Insist everyone get back inside. Commence yelling. More yelling. Once everyone is back in car and thoroughly aggravated, assume pious attitude and ask who would like to offer pre-vacation prayer.

Method of attending church: Wait until everyone is dressed and ready to leave. Race into bedroom to change into church clothes. Ponder which bolo tie to wear--the Tiger Eye or the Agate? Suggest family walk to church together. Become irritable when family resists due to fact they are already late. Use drive to church as chance to deliver grim preach about family togetherness and threaten family to change attitude or else. Change own attitude from ornery to giddy immediately upon seeing first non-family member. Ignore simmering family resentment.

Bolo Tie, African Jade Concho Style

Method of cleaning under fingernails: During church service, pull out pocket knife and open small blade. Ignore elbow jab in ribs from family member(s) who know what's next. Slide tip of blade under nail, making slow scraping sound. Repeat. Nine. More. Times.

Method of greeting house guest(s): "COMETH THEE IN!" Repeat enthusiastically 2-3x while leading guest(s) into living room. Show guest(s) large glass jar of popcorn kernels on coffee table. Explain popcorn is favorite treat and homegrown. Shake jar and insist guest(s) guess how many kernels are in jar. Demonstrate kernel removal by vigorously rubbing two dried cobs together. Explain formula for answer: X = number of kernels on average cob. Y = number of cobs it took to fill one jar. X times Y = Little Richard's self-satisfied guess. Grin like dotty old man from down the holler.

Method of showing appreciation: Five nights a week, come home from work. Eat dinner. Emphatically pronounce "You shall be RICHLY rewarded!" to mother, who presses lips together until they disappear. Order daughter(s) to help with dishes. Make comments from table regarding how mother spoils daughter(s) and carries them 'round on velvet pillows. Remain seated at table carping ad nauseum to make sure ungrateful daughter(s) follow through. Do not say thank you. To do so will diminish your place as head of the household.

So you see what I'm saying? He's odd. Egocentric. A bit irascible. Harmless for the most part; well-intentioned, even. But very possibly nuts. Speaking of which, Michael tells our friend that she's under no obligation to return the pecans to Little Richard, but she feels guilty and is unsure of what to do. We're both pretty sure she'll be making a trip to the post office soon, which is also nuts.