Nyquil Bender

I've had a cold and flu for over a week. My body is working overtime producing mass quantities of slime to the point where I'm investigating possibilities for creating biodiesel from phlegm. I started tossing back Nyquil straight from the bottle and completely ignoring the little measuring cup, and went through the entire bottle rather quickly. I've heard this is what teenagers resort to when they want to get drunk, but I don't feel drunk--I feel the phlegm factory slowing down production and I want to take a nap.

So when a good friend, who happens to be very LDS, called today to ask if she could pick up anything from the store for me, I said that yes, I'd like some Nyquil, please, the old-fashioned liquid kind. I sensed a brief hesitation before she said, "The kind with alcohol in it?" She is SO cute. Yes, I assured her, that was exactly the kind I wanted, although I was desperate enough that I could be convinced to try something along the lines of cough syrup with Codeine, or maybe chocolate-covered Percocet?

Despite my sickness, I've had to drag myself through several engagements I couldn't miss. Yesterday I had to take my annual CPR certification and I nearly passed out doing five rounds of 30 chest compressions--it's a good thing it wasn't a real-life emergency situation or someone would be in the morgue about now--a victim of the wheezing woman with Kleenex stuffed up her sleeves and the stank of 20 proof Nyquil on her breath.

Afterwards I had to head to the bank and then Kinkos to notarize, copy, and FedEx a large packet of papers requesting that I please be allowed to pay $375 to take a certification exam I'm not completely sure I need. Michael was downtown for a meeting and, knowing my state of mind of late, he dropped by to see if he could help. I was worried I'd missed something in the mass of papers strewn around me. Practical as ever, he suggested scanning a copy of everything into a PDF file, just in case I needed quick access later.

Now, here's where I discovered just one of the many reasons why Kinkos is the devil. Michael has a really neat, super-fast scanner in his office that can scan 55 pages a minute. (Oh no, don't even go there. If there's one thing Michael has in large supply, it's integrity, and there will be no personal scanning on the company equipment, even if the wife offers intimate favors that she does not often put on the bargaining table.) Kinkos has two scanning options: either they charge you $6.95 PER PAGE to stand behind the counter and scan it for you on their own really neat, super-fast scanner, which the public is not allowed to use, or you can log onto a computer that bills you by the minute and scan it yourself on a device so slow that I'm convinced if you opened the back, you'd find a wee small artist inside, recreating each page by hand in #2 pencil.

Finally we got organized, mailed the package, and headed out to the parking lot. While backing up my car, however, I failed to see the giant SUV clearly parked behind me and slammed smack into it. The SUV suffered not one single scratch, but my car no longer has any lights on the left rear side. Michael handled the situation with grace and didn't even use one swear word. He even remained calm while picking up the red and orange plastic pieces littering the ground and put them all in my back seat. He did ask me later if I'd like him to pick up a six-pack of Nyquil for the weekend. It's always a party at the Eldridge household.

Today my good friend Cheryl made up for it all, however, by showing up at my door with flowers, her adorable five-year old daughter, and not one, but TWO bottles of alcoholic liquid Nyquil. I am now off to take a nap, grateful for friends who will buy me pseudo-booze despite their better judgment.